MY BEST FIEND MIKE

ASSALAMUALAIKUM WBT.

Sometimes I think all the microphones in the world declared war against me.

I can’t remember when this began, but all I know that if I’m going to speak with a mike in front of me, something horrible will happen.

Most of the time, something horrible did happen.

Take this case, for instance. I was in Form 5 and my class was doing an English day presentation. 

When it was my turn to speak, a mike was handed to me. And then I said my lines.

But the amplifier remained silent.                                             

And so I repeated my lines. Again, the amplifier was still mute.

To make my point clear, and thinking that the mike was broken, I shouted my lines with the volume of a platoon commander. Everyone laughed, making me feel that I was in a sitcom with laughter tracks being played aloud.

I gave the mike to my other classmate. Miraculously, the mike works!

Finally, at the end of the show, I picked up the mike to give it back to the MC. Thinking that the mike was off, I cursed it with a whisper: “Sial punya mike!”

For some mysterious reason, the mike decided to be on when I cursed it.

The whole of Seremban heard me. Time literally stopped, because Time itself is shocked to hear me cursing in public.

I don’t want to talk about what happened next. It’s traumatic.

The score? Mike 1, Shafiq 0

Anyway, the second incident involving my feud with microphones occurred during PLKN.

I was supposed to be a narrator in a play. My part was simple: read my lines. I don’t even have to memorize my lines.

During rehearsals, I did well. In fact, I was able to recite my lines without reading my script. The actors and actresses all fumbled with their words; but I was able to do it smoothly. I was confident that, if all the other actors failed, my brilliant narration and my booming voice will save the day- and the play.

But we never use mikes during rehearsals.

And there were plenty of mikes on the night of our performance.

Surprisingly, the actors did their jobs well. The play was about ‘Si Tanggang’ and the guy who played Tanggang acted well enough to gain an Oscar.

In the middle of the drama, my turn to narrate came. I was supposed to read my lines. Pure and simple. But, filled with supreme confidence and ego, I left my script backstage.

It turned out to be a stupid decision. 

Face to face with a mike, I went blank. i forgot my lines.

 It was like in an awkward moment when the Imam forgot the Surah Al-Fatihah while leading the prayer.

 I could hear the crickets sing.

I could even imagine the mike telling me: “Remember me, ya (censored)? You cursed me sial, right? Now I’m going to sial your night.”

Panic attack. I became incoherent and stuttered my lines. The crowd laughed…again. My part turned out to be the worst part of our company’s drama. I was the spoiler.

Luckily, our company won the drama competition. It was mainly due to the performance of the actors, the props and the creativity of the scriptwriter.

Certainly we never won due to my ‘brilliant’ narration.

For the whole night, I wish someone would censor my face.

Now, the score’s 2-0.

There were many more embarrassing incidents of me and microphones. When I did announcements, 90% of the time I’d fumble my words. People hearing me speak will thought that a retard was speaking in an alien language while messing around with the mike.

That’s why I’ll never touch a mike. Even if you pointed a gun at me, I won’t speak through a mike. I’d rather have my body shot than my pride.

Mike and I became sworn enemies. But I know I cannot run from it forever. I must face it and conquer it. Where and when? I don’t know. But I will.

As an appendix, here’s a video of me…well, living up to my Dato’ Onn name. Memang takde kaitan, tapi saja-saja letak. Aku muncul kat minit....ah, pandai-pandai lah ko cari...

p/s- Video ihsan Amirul Ashraf dari kelas 5 theta/ 7th Batch

p p/s = Broadband ihsan drpd saudara Ahmad Syukran dari bilik F207

Wassalam.